When the Past Holds You Back: My Journey Through Trauma and Path to Freedom

This is personal, but I feel it's sometimes necessary to share. You should understand who you're getting advice from in my articles, and I shouldn't appear perfect, but should look human. Because if I can do it, then you can too.

The second reason why I think it's necessary to talk about this is that I have depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm working on this with a psychologist. This topic still remains taboo, and in society, we may not pay attention to the fact that our friends need help and have no one to talk to, because they look good and are often the most cheerful in public. So I'm addressing everyone, both those who are in depression, not to be afraid, to seek help, especially if you sometimes have suicidal thoughts. And to those who don't have it, to pay attention to your friends and loved ones, to help them and hear them, or God forbid not to lose them suddenly, it will be a shock for you. Let's be a little more attentive and a little more empathetic.

Today with the psychologist, I was working through a trauma inflicted on me by one of my managers a decade ago. He loved to humiliate me, saying that all my previous experience was worthless, and that he would teach me how to live and work. Unfortunately, everyone around praised him, saying what a wonderful person he was, smart, and generally godlike, and because of this, I completely relaxed, I removed all my defenses, believed him and opened up completely. As a result, for several years, until I came to my senses, he poisoned me psychologically so much that it still affects me to this day.

He not only made me believe in my own worthlessness, but also destroyed my values, my upbringing, and almost changed my worldview until I realized it. And I had a lot to destroy: in addition to the general education I received at the lyceum, where we constantly visited museums, palaces and theaters, I also graduated from a full course music school in two instruments, solfeggio, music history, etiquette and other subjects.

As a result, I began to experience personality separation, which my brain couldn't cope with, and I started drinking. Interestingly, when working with the psychologist, when I switched to my previous work experience and what I did there, I changed and said how great I was. But when we returned to this work experience, to the trauma, I felt absolutely worthless.

Today we worked on this trauma and tried to deconstruct it. It was a long process, although the preparation was even longer. I want to talk about the end, because I liked it. I can't say that I've already healed this trauma, but I definitely feel better. We formed an image of the trauma: this manager's office, his desk, with a meeting table attached to its end. I'm sitting at the meeting table with the manager opposite, but the image of the trauma formed from a third-person perspective. My present self observed this from the entrance, behind myself and the manager, standing in the doorway.

So at the end of the session: I move into myself sitting at the table. Black darkness of a curse or ghost bursts out of the manager's mouth. I slowly stand up and leave, close the door, press it with my back. This darkness tries to escape from the cracks. I hold the door with my back and don't let it out. But then, at some point, I let go of all this, pull away from the door and walk forward along the corridor of the company where I worked. Gradually, like in the last part of "Harry Potter", the white King's Cross station - these offices on both sides begin to whiten, like a station, and move apart from me, giving more and more space. And I walk forward towards the light and leave.

In general, I can't say that I've completely healed this trauma, but I definitely feel better. I finally managed to leave.

P.S. And then I was on the beach in Barcelona, surrounded by beautiful men and women. If before I felt insecure because I wasn't so athletic, even when I was in my best shape, today, with excess weight, scars and a paralyzed leg, I didn't feel so bad and didn't feel so insecure. I was almost calm. I almost didn't care. It seems that the session with the psychologist affected me, and we pulled out one poisonous splinter.

Here I want to draw attention to my experience, which might be useful to you. This doesn't relate to the main articles of this journal, and there's no professional conclusion of mine here. I'm not a certified psychologist. We worked on the trauma using EMDR therapy.

I don't advise trying to use it on your own. EMDR therapy, working with eyes requires preparation, creating a safe place, working with the image of trauma, and deconstruction should be done under the supervision of a psychologist. Tricks are performed by professionals, don't try to repeat them at home on your own.

But here are two methods that you can use in moments of anxiety and distress: the butterfly method and the paint jar method. These methods relate to the journal, and you can use them.

Butterfly hug - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGGJrqscvtU&t=136s

Paint jar - To return to a neutral state, imagine that what's bothering you is lying on the surface of an open container of paint. You can imagine stirring the paint, thereby dissolving the negative memory in it.

As always, I invite you to share your opinion in the comments
With love 😽 🤗 😘
K